Real Torture

Courtesy of the GOP Vixen:

So the lead story on Bill O'Reilly was about blasting the Red Hot Chili Peppers as an interrogation tactic, and the assorted voices whining that it's torture. First of all, if you want to use loud, grating music to make a terrorist talk, the Chili Peppers have more of a funk edge -- I'd recommend some cranked-up Pantera instead.

But let's be serious -- even that wouldn't really be torture. Here's what would be torture -- guaranteed to make the most hardened jihadist sing like a canary in five minutes flat:

-Blast a medley of Celine Dion and Air Supply

-Tape the terrorist's eyelids open a la "A Clockwork Orange" and make him watch "The View"

-Put a microwave in closed interrogation room and repeatedly burn microwave popcorn

-Until he talks, his only source of conversation would be Paris Hilton ("So, like, why do you want virgins? And, like, 72?")

-A "Queer Eye" makeover from the Fab Five, shown on prime-time on Al-Jazeera

-Screen "An Inconvenient Truth" and wake terrorist up every time he falls asleep -- sleep inducement AND sleep deprivation!

-Lock him in the Beverly Center with a shopping list on Dec. 24

-I'd say make him do anything the gullible do on "Fear Factor," but I rather prefer an episode of "Gana la Verde" (Mexican reality show where people competed to win a Beverly Hills immigration lawyer) where contestants had to eat worm burritos

-Set him up with a lovely candlelit dinner -- with Rosie O'Donnell

-Make him drink an extra-large soda, make him watch "Titanic," and don't let him go to the loo as he has to watch water running fast down the decks