Funny But Sadly True

Joke, courtesy of Brent the Gentile:

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a
long, long time.

So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall
and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for
all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up
in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."

You Like Me, You Really Like Me

The response to my bail request went great. At last count, friends and family donated over $1,300 to bail me out yesterday. Okay, you really don't care much about or for me. You just wanted to help Jerry's Kids. It doesn't really matter much to me so long as the money went to a good cause, which it did. Thanks to all who contributed.

Reporter or Stripper-You Decide

Notwithstanding the title, this video is clean. Just watch until the end.

Call Me Cynical

I just did a double take when I saw this headline: T.O. tried to kill himself. Excuse me for thinking this, especially during the Ten Days of Repentance, but I cannot avoid thinking that this was just one more T.O. publicity stunt. He is a man who constantly craves attention and the money it brings him. Also, Dallas Cowboys consultant Calvin Hill, Grant's father, said that he works with troubles players and never saw any indication that T.O. had any problems.

No Schadenfreude Here

As a born and bred Michigander, even one who didn't attend U of M, it's second nature to root for only bad things to befall just about anyone associated with the Ohio State University football program, Chris Spielman excluded. I am not alone. I cannot think of one person living in this state who isn't still laughing at Maurice Clarett. I must draw the line though at Troy Smith.

You may be wondering what is so wrong in the life of Smith, the Buckeye's starting quarterback, that I will include him in my prayers this coming Monday, the Day of Atonement. Smith is the early consensus pick to win this year's Heisman Trophy. Whichever team has the first pick in the 2007 NFL draft, especially if it needs a quarterback, will take Smith. Millions of dollars in salary and endorsement deals will shower upon this young man. If the team plays in a metropolitan area with a suburb named Troy, that's all the better for marketing possibilities. The only problem in this whole equation is that the team charging its way into this likely scenario is our own Detroit Lions.

Yesterday morning I awoke thinking that the Lions would have a chance against the Green Bay Packers. Even at 0-2 entering the game, the Lions were seven point favorites. I knew however after perusing the Sunday sports section that the Lions had no chance. After all, in a takeoff of a regular Sports Illustrated feature, the Detroit Free Press asked four Lions some questions about their tastes in modern entertainment. Two of the four said that the worst television show was "Seinfeld." That question alone showed that this team is too stupid to win. Yes, the Guarantor was one of the idiots.

What does all of this mean for Smith? If the Lions' recent history of top picks is any indication, Smith will, through no fault of his own, develop terrible work habits, a selfish attitude and an utter apathy for responsibility. Even worse, if the Lions' quarterback history tells us anything, Smith's name will be relegated to the dustbin of history, along with those of Eric Hipple, Jeff Komlo, Chuck Long and Andre Ware.

Troy, if you're reading this, here is some advice: Fake an injury. Don't make it anything serious that pro teams will not want to ever touch you. Just make it something that will prevent you from playing a few games with enough time to show your stuff at season's end so you can still be a first-round pick. I know that it may cost you a few million dollars initially by dropping, but I have no doubt you will make it up in both money and career achievements in the long run. Besides, maybe with you on the sidelines, Coach Tressel will start Justin Zwick.

It's Hard To Be A Saint In The City

I never knew how hard it was to donate. When we moved a few weeks ago, we knew that a couch and the entertainment unit from our old house did not fit the decor of the new house. We figured that we would put them in the basement, along with the old refrigerator that we inherited with the new house and were replacing. Only when we moved into the new house did we discover that the items were too big to make it down the L-shaped staircase to the basement.

For the past few weeks, we have had a heck of time trying to get them out of our house, preferably for the first cash offer or tax-deductible donation receipt that we could get. We are not talking about junk here. Mrs. Zwicker bought the couch a few years ago and it was still in nearly new condition. We bought the entertainment unit at Art Van soon after we married three years ago. It's nothing fancy-schmancy but it's in good shape and is big enough to hold a 36 inch television.

I first posted something on our synagogue's e-mail group in July but got no takers. Then, our friend who got married during Labor Day weekend was going to take the furniture the week of the wedding when she returned to Chicago. She then realized that the cost and time that it would take to transport the stuff to the Windy City would not be worth it. I then tried Craig's List, where I would have taken the first offer I got. I got a few inquiries but nobody even scheduled a time to come look at the stuff.

I then turned to charity. JARC informed me that it no longer accepts furniture donations. Our friend who works at the Salvation Army said that even if his organization would accept them, they don't pick up donations, at least not ones so big. Purple Heart said that its earliest pickup date would be in late October and that I should call back in a few weeks, without any promise that I would get an appointment. I finally came across Furniture Bank of Oakland County, a branch of the United Way that donates furniture to those in need. The person there said that they will come on Tuesday but wasn't sure that they would take the entertainment unit since there is apparently not much need for them among the destitute. I told her that the driver was welcome to take it home with him for all I care.

I've Got Stripes

They're coming to arrest me. Someone has issued a warrant with the local chapter of the Muscular Dystrophy Association to arrest me on September 28. I will be serving time for Jerry's kids and I need your help to reach my bail goal of $1,200. Your donation, which is obviously tax-deductible, will go towards research, health care services and education in muscular dystrophy. I have no idea who issued the warrant nor do I care. It's in good fun and for a great cause. To bail me out, click here.

Elliot Chodoff

Last night I had the pleasure of meeting and listening to a lecture by Elliot Chodoff. He is a teaching fellow at the University of Haifa and military analyst with an expertise in the Middle East conflict and the global war on terror. Chodoff spoke about what went right and what went wrong in the Israel-Lebanon conflict this past summer.

Chodoff's speech was great. He was very frank about the successes that Israel had, including killing approximately forty percent of Hizbollah's trained forces. For those who think that Israel lost, Chodoff pointed out that Nasrallah has not emerged from hiding since the conflict started and that Nasrallah himself has recently admitted surprise at and regret provoking Israel's ferocity.

Of course, Israel's victory took much longer than anyone expected and at greater psychological harm to Israel than necessary. Chodoff explained why: Israel's top political leaders followed the advice of the top military leaders, who were all former air force personnel. As Chodoff explained, the Israeli air force is excellent at what it does, which is to provide air support to the ground troops and to "neatly" (my word, not his) drop bombs on specific sites, albeit without the ability to enter the sites and see who and what are inside. Also, the air force is unable to take terrorists alive and interrogate them in order to extract useful information. In short, the air force should have been the backup to a massive ground invasion, not vice versa. Once Israel got the ground troops en masse into Lebanon, it was working against the clock of an impending ceasefire.

Chodoff also admitted that Israel has still not come to grips with how to win the public relations war. Part of the problem, Chodoff explained, is Israel's attempt to balance playing the victim on the international stage while at the same time maintaining national morale and abiding by a certain moral code. For example, when a terrorist blows up a bus, it would be very easy to publish pictures of bodies hanging from the charred remains and garner sympathy from Western nations. On the other hand, Israel emphatically opposes exploiting the dead or injured for any reason. Also, Israel has to concern itself with how the imagery will affect the national psyche.

In response to a question as to how Israel reached the point of Hizbollah attacking it, he explained that it was the result of Israel not taking all the saber rattling over the past few years seriously enough. He said that Israel's use of force this summer was, if anything, not enough. In general, Israel is far more aggressive about stopping terrorism before it inflicts damage, albeit without the sensitivity to what others may say. For example, he described the following hypothetical situation with a request to suspend political commentary, which I ask as well: In the summer of 2001, following years of terrorist attacks, the Bush administration learned that the 9/11 plot was in progress. Rather than just arrest the plotters, the American military, using whatever resources necessary, tracked down al Qaeda's leaders and troops and forcefully dismantled the entire operation. The tragedy of 9/11 would not have occurred. At the same time, Bush would have assured his defeat in the 2004 election.

The difference between the two cultures, Chodoff explained, is that, while factions of Islam are at war with Israel, the United States and Europe, only Israel takes it seriously. Ironically, Chodoff predicted that France will be the first European country to strike at terrorism, both in the Middle East and by instituting measures, like creating concentration camps, before any other nation. He explained that the nicer the country, the more it is willing to tolerate attacks before retaliating. France is not nice.

I could not do justice to either effectively summarizing everything Chodoff said or even remembering all the points he covered. I therefore encourage you to subscribe to his e-newsletter here. I have also e-mailed Elliot telling him about this post so he can correct any inadvertent mischaracterizations I may have made.

Real Torture

Courtesy of the GOP Vixen:

So the lead story on Bill O'Reilly was about blasting the Red Hot Chili Peppers as an interrogation tactic, and the assorted voices whining that it's torture. First of all, if you want to use loud, grating music to make a terrorist talk, the Chili Peppers have more of a funk edge -- I'd recommend some cranked-up Pantera instead.

But let's be serious -- even that wouldn't really be torture. Here's what would be torture -- guaranteed to make the most hardened jihadist sing like a canary in five minutes flat:

-Blast a medley of Celine Dion and Air Supply

-Tape the terrorist's eyelids open a la "A Clockwork Orange" and make him watch "The View"

-Put a microwave in closed interrogation room and repeatedly burn microwave popcorn

-Until he talks, his only source of conversation would be Paris Hilton ("So, like, why do you want virgins? And, like, 72?")

-A "Queer Eye" makeover from the Fab Five, shown on prime-time on Al-Jazeera

-Screen "An Inconvenient Truth" and wake terrorist up every time he falls asleep -- sleep inducement AND sleep deprivation!

-Lock him in the Beverly Center with a shopping list on Dec. 24

-I'd say make him do anything the gullible do on "Fear Factor," but I rather prefer an episode of "Gana la Verde" (Mexican reality show where people competed to win a Beverly Hills immigration lawyer) where contestants had to eat worm burritos

-Set him up with a lovely candlelit dinner -- with Rosie O'Donnell

-Make him drink an extra-large soda, make him watch "Titanic," and don't let him go to the loo as he has to watch water running fast down the decks

Face The Promise

I don't normally buy compact discs in big box stores for one simple reason. There is no way that we could have accumulated the collection of which we am proud to own, other than some of the ones that Mrs. Zwicker brought into the marriage (yeah Michael Bolton, I'm talking to you), without doing the bulk of our shopping at used "record" stores and on e-bay. It's even rarer for me to specifically go to a store to purchase an album on its release date. If memory serves me correctly, the last time I did that was when the Hooters released "One Way Home" in 1987. I digress.

One of my favorite musical artists since I first started listening to things other than whatever oldies, show tunes or Jewish music my parents would play in the car has been Bob Seger. No matter how much my tastes have changed, expanded and, as I like to think, been refined, Seger's music has always been at the forefront. In fact, the first disc I have played in every single CD player that I have ever owned has been the classic "Strangers In Town." One of Seger's lesser known songs, "Always In My Heart," played during our wedding processional. Besides being a hometown guy who never seems to let his success go to his head, Seger's lyrics resonated in both their words and delivery. Having the excellent Silver Bullet Band certainly didn't hurt either.

Yesterday I made a point to make it to Best Buy and purchase "Face The Promise," Seger's first album since 1995's sub-Seger-standard "It's A Mystery." It normally take a few listens for me to decide how much I like almost any song or album, assuming it makes it past the initial "it sucks, I never want to hear that again" test (yes, Bolton, I'm still talking to you). I have now listened to "Face The Promise" twice and have to give it the thumbs up. It's certainly not on par with "Strangers In Town" or Seger's other seminal classic, "Night Moves," but that's a damn high bar.

I would instead rate the new album with "The Distance" or "Against The Wind." I don't know if any of "Face The Promise" songs will become as popular as the title track of "Against The Wind" but neither does the new album have something like the one Seger song to which I refuse to listen, "Her Strut," which pays homage to Hanoi Jane Fonda. "Face The Promise" instead contains a rock solid Seger performance. It starts with the classic Seger sound on "Wreck This Heart" and takes various turns through its twelve tracks, including two great duets, one a great Michigan rocker with Kid Rock, on Vince Gill's "Real Mean Bottle," and another a ballad with Patty Loveless on "The Answer's In The Question."

Bob, it's great to have you back. As soon as finish your upcoming tour, on which I hope to see you in concert more than once, get back in the studio and keep on rocking.

Ready For Some Football

The excitement is in the air. In just a few hours, MNFBBQ will begin its seventh year. It all started early in this millennium when we decided to meet every few weeks to enjoy each other's company, grilled meat and, of course, football. We met at Noah Daddy's house that fateful September 4, 2000, to see the Denver Broncos tangle with the St. Louis Rams in the Edward Jones Dome. Not many of us remember the game's outcome (the Rams, with Mike Martz engineering the Greatest Show on Turf, won 41-36), but the night was historic nonetheless.

Six years later, we are still meeting. After the first season, we realized that we had something special, something that should continue year-round. So, during the football off-season, we started showing movies. Through it all, we've had our ups and downs. We've added two members, one of whom left us. One of our founding members, Air, has also left us, albeit for the permanent excused absence of aliyah. (Air reported to me just yesterday that he is looking to take MNFBBQ global, although his meetings will have to be on Sunday nights.) We've joined in the joy of many MNFBBQ births and even one member's marriage, albeit at a dairy wedding. Three members have moved, although one has yet to host in his new home and some don't believe he's actually moved.

We've seen some great games and we've seen some pitiful games. One constant has been the not intentionally amusing player introductions. Invariably, one player too proudly states that his alma mater is not an esteemed institution of higher learning, like Notre Dame or the University of Michigan, but Walker High School or something similar. Another player always introduces himself with the most lascivious look possible. We've seen some great movies, like "American Pie" and "Zoolander", and we've seen some not-so-great movies, like "White Chicks" and "Date Movie". We've also seen "Animal House" and "Animal House" and "Animal House".

It hasn't been all fun and games. We've had to face our share of adversity. We've had canine theft of buns, stale buns, a phantom waitress, George Foreman and a Tuesday night. Did I mention that we watched "White Chicks"? Despite it all, we've persevered, much to our understanding wives' collective chagrin. God bless them and all of the MNFBBQ family.

Capt. Lawrence Daniel Getzfred

Five years ago this morning, Americans rose from their beds and went to work or school or whatever was their daily routine. One such American was 57 year old Captain Lawrence Daniel Getzfred. Capt. Getzfred went to his job, which was more than just a means to provide for his family. As the Pentagon branch head of for Joint Operations and Plans on the staff of the Deputy Director of Plans, Policy and Operations, Capt. Getzfred went to work every day to serve this nation.

As the New York Times described him, Capt. Getzfred was a "Navy Man, Bottom to Top." Serving America was Capt. Getzfred's life. So was his family. On September 11, 2001, Getzfred left home at 4:00 a.m. so that he could finish his day early and make it to his daughter's soccer game that afternoon. Later that morning, when Capt. Getzfred's wife, Patricia Grooss-Getzfred, heard of the horrific attacks on her car radio and her husband had not called, she just assumed that he was still working on the situation or helping someone, which would have been totally in his nature. As Ms. Grooss-Getzfred told a reporter, "He was always looking out for the other guy, playing the mentor, playing the coach."

"He had a tremendous perspective and insight for dealing with people in the Navy because he started out as an enlisted man," said Jess Hernandez, a retired rear admiral who knew Captain Getzfred for more than 20 years. "Larry had a great feeling for those who were junior to him. He had been there, and he knew how important it was to offer his ear."

Capt. Getzfred grew up in Elgin, Nebraska, a town of around 800 people. Soon after graduating high school in 1962, he did the same thing that four of his six brothers did, he enlisted in the Navy. He was nineteen years old and looking for a career that could pay for college and let his see the country. A life in the Navy allowed Capt. Getzfred to see not only the country but the world. Over 38 years, he served in Hawaii, England, California and Washington, and served in the Vietnam and Persian Gulf wars.

During his service, Capt. Getzfred received the following awards and decorations:

Meritorious Service Medal (2), Navy Reserve Meritorious Service Medal, Navy and Marine Corps Commendation Medal (2), Navy and Marine Corps Achievement Medal (2), Air Medal (2), Navy Unit Commendation (2), Good Conduct Medal, National Defense Service Medal (2), Armed Forces Expeditionary Medal, Republic of Vietnam Campaign Medal, Republic of Vietnam Armed Forces Meritorious Unit Commendation, (Gallantry Cross Color Medal with Palm), Republic of Vietnam Meritorious Unit Commendation (Civil Actions Medal, First Class Color with Palm), Sea Service Deployment Ribbon (4), Navy and Marine Corps Service Ribbon, Coast Guard Special Operations Service Ribbon, Coast Guard Meritorious Unit Commendation, Meritorious Unit Commendation

The following are some online tributes in Capt. Getzfred's memory:

September 12, 2003
Although I never met you, you are part of the Navy family just like I am. Rest in peace Sir, the watch has been properly relieved.

FN Mugrage (Waco, TX )

November 4, 2003
My husband and Larry were stationed together at Moffett Field, CA. It was a sad day to find Larry on the list. Our best to Pat and the girls. May God keep you and watch over you always.

Connie Spencer (Milton, FL )

Capt. Getzfred died five years ago today because he was at work just doing his job, helping to make this nation safer. Along with that of the nearly 3,000 others who died at the hands of fascists acting in the name of Islam, Capt. Getzfred's legacy will not die. We must remember what this nation is and what it represents and why we must fight to protect it. Rest in peace.

Team Grossbard

The following is a letter from Milaine Grossbard, our friend, former neighbor and, most importantly, wife of an original MNFBBQ member. For those of you who are not familiar, Friendship Circle is an amazing organization. If you have any questions about what the great work it does, check out the website. Because of its importance, I will keep this post atop the Zlog for the next few weeks, although I will keep posting. I know that scrolling down a little bit to see what is new is a terrible inconvenience, but I think you can all handle it.

As you all know, Gabi and I have 2 children with special needs. Chloe has Cerebral Palsy and Sabian has been recently diagnosed with Autism. This has made life for our entire family a definite learning experience. As our children grow, we learn about and appreciate the blessing of having these two very special people in our home.

Unfortunately, life is not always so easy. When taking our kids to places like parks, malls or even to schools, we need to ask ourselves is this outing appropriate for their needs? Is it safe for them? Is it wheelchair accessible? You would be surprised how many places are just not right for our kids.

There is one place that I have never had doubts about. It is a place were Chloe is free to wheel around and touch everything, where her loud laughter is always acceptable. There are rooms filled with sensory toys and games perfect for Sabian. It is a place filled with volunteers fighting to spend time with my daughter and son.

This is the Friendship Circle building. I have told many of you about the special activities they offer children like mine. There are Jewish themed programs for our kids. There are Sunday Circle programs were Chloe and Sabian can play with other children.

Friendship Circle is having a Walkathon on September 10th. We ask all of you, our friends and family, to please sponsor Team Chloe/Sabian. We have set our fundraising goal at $5,000. This tzedakah will insure that Friendship Circle can continue to offer Chloe and Sabian and many other special needs children the opportunity for recreation and growth in a secure environment.

If you have any questions please dont hesitate to contact me,Milaine, at
Jazzidyna@aol.com.

Please pass this on to everyone on your buddy list.

Thank you so much!

Sincerely,
Gabi, Milaine, Jazzi, Dyna, Chloe and Sabian ( Team Chloe/sabian)