Just Another Lions Loss

Yesterday, Mrs. Zwicker and I attended her Uncle Mel's funeral in Louisville. When we returned to the in-laws' house to get the Zwickerette and take her to the shiva house, we found the babysitter had the Lions-Cowboys game on the television. I saw that the Lions were winning 27-21 with two minutes left. I confidently declared, "Final score, Cowboys 28, Lions 27, on a last second touchdown." My father-in-law and the babysitter looked at me quizzically, wondering how I could root against my home team. As the Cowboys drove down the field, I explained that any longtime Lions fan hopes for the best but knows that these things will happen.

We Are The Champions

I have to admit that I have not been following the Lions too closely this season. With the Tigers' magical World Series run, all the Jewish holidays occurring on weekends and the Wolverines still vying for the national championship, there just hasn't been much time to dedicate to a team that over the past few seasons has, to put it mildly, sucked.

It was therefore with much pleasant surprise that I opened the newspaper this morning to discover that the Lions won the championship. That is so awesome!

What did you say? It was only the CFL's Grey Cup that the Lions won? That's okay, every team must start somewhere and something is better than nothing.

What's that? The Grey Cup winners were the British Columbia Lions and not the Detroit Lions? Damn, the Detroit Lions really do suck if they can't even win the stinking CFL. At least they dumped that Millen guy, didn't they? What?!? Sigh.

Mr. Clean

While many people have been focusing on what may have been on Kenny Rogers's hand during the first of inning of this past Sunday night's game, nobody bothered to investigate what else the Gambler may have been hiding on his person. Through some heavy duty investigation, which even necessitated purchasing fake teeth that I charged to the Underhill account, I discovered that Rogers had the following other foreign objects on him:

-Unsent love notes from Tim McCarver and Joe Buck to Tony LaRussa

-A baby for Madonna

-A Lions victory

-All those gobs of money that Noah Daddy has helped those big, bad insurance companies unjustly deny paying to the honest working man

-Cardinals' fans' outrage over Mark McGwire's use of other mysterious substances